Get Women To Like You.

17 Apr

I NEVER GET THE ATTENTION I WANT.

I’M LIKE, SUPER COOL AS IT IS SO WHAT’S UP, TYLER??

– you say stupidly. Well, put on your listening caps, because that exists, and pucker up for the soft, lovable lips of advice.

Now, you’re going to want to work on that awful body of yours. Carrot cake and 12 years of eating advice from those chubby people on the food network need an absolute wash. If you need fast results, liposuction. You’ll look like, medium rare after that. 

Get a perm! Make sure nobody recognizes you because nobody wanted to touch you before, so why remind them of that! Sell all of your unwanted belongings and fill your closet up with actual clothes that fit. Make sure every piece of clothing you buy flashes a designer label and something to show you didn’t pick your clothes out of the bargain rack like an ape. 

Next, lease a Fisker Karma. I give zero shits as to where you obtain the funds. http://www.fiskerautomotive.com/en-us

Use a friends apartment or home so you’re untraceable after you ditch the legs (woman).

Get a hammock sized amount of unnecessary, but expensive accessories. Watches, fedoras, gold chains, go fucking nuts. Woman love to feel like they literally struck gold. So, wear it. You, at this point, have no self-respect. 

Wow, you look as if axe body spray covered up a gym locker room. But, you got it, baby. 

Next, laugh at all of her jokes. Uncontrollably. After about 30, 40 seconds of listening to her talk, mention you have a fisker karma and ask “want to get of here?” She will no doubt follow you like a child at disney land. If you don’t crash at high speeds on the way home, you got yourself a hot date! 

– Tyler J. Cuda

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